I missed my goddamned session on Financial Planning for Successful Retirement on Monday. It was President's Day and even though I had to work it just didn't occur to me that the community college might be in session. Everyone else I knew had the day off. So today I'm looking at my calendar and I realized the first session was yesterday. Shit.

I wrote an email to the director of continuing education, hopefully she'll get back to me before a month goes by. I get very frustrated with the way the college is run, they suck, to be frank. I have my second Smart Women Finish Rich class tonight, I'm wondering if it's just going to be another two hours of that chick reading the book Smart Women Finish Rich to us. Getting a refund back from that school is so very difficult, last year when I complained about a crappy ASP course I was taking where the guy teaching it didn't even KNOW ASP all that well and was, again, just reading from the book and having us go through the exercises, they wouldn't give me a refund but did ask if I wanted to teach the course. Um, what?

I think a lot about how I could probably teach wanky HTML courses to complete idiots and make a fair bit of change that way.

If you just heard a giant sucking sound, that's the sound of me paying my bills. Well, at least I'm caught up for the remainder of the month, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Farewell, money, for I hardly knew you.

Actually, my budget looks pretty good so far this month. Of course, just when I think I have a leg up on things and I have a little extra in my bank account that I wasn't expecting to have, I realize I've forgotten to pay something or an emergency crops up. Bah.

I'm racking my brain, now, trying to think of what it is I've forgotten. I need to get my oil changed and a tune-up, that's true, but hardly a huge expenditure. I have to pay The Danbury Mint for those stupid dragons I'm buying for mom. Those things are expensive.

Michael and I have been out to eat about five times this month - that's an extreme amount for us. We've been getting together with friends a lot lately. Need to eat dinner at home more often, though Sunday I'll forgive us for as I was half asleep and we were both stir-crazy so had to get out of the house. If we could get away with eating out only once a week, that would be a good thing.

What am I forgetting? Damn damn damn .

Maybe I'll just make that huge payment to chip away at my credit card and say "oh shit!" later when I remember what it was.

I'm leaving in a few minutes for my first personal finance course I've signed up for. This week I have one class from 7-9. Next week I have this class, and another on Monday from 6:30-8:30. The week after that, I have both of those courses AND another on Thursday from 7-9. They'll peter off somewhere around the middle of March, the last one ending the Thursday before Michael and I leave for Europe.

I hope they make me smarter. I could use some smarts.

My tooth is killing me today. It's not exactly a tooth, it's a crown I got put in about seven or eight years ago. This makes me paranoid that the stump of tooth it's affixed to is going bad, and then what will I have to get done? Is that what root canals are for? Ack!

It figures that I would have all these tooth woes (wisdom tooth extraction, braces, and now this) would happen when I don't have dental insurance. It sure is a consideration to marry Michael immediately just so I can be on his dental insurance.

I really want to get braces. Not sure how I'm going to finagle that, as they're at least $5000. Eek. I'm also waiting until after my 10th year HS reunion, I think...as much as I'd like to have straight teeth I really don't want to be a mouth full of metal. I looked into those clear braces thingies and they're not as quick or effective as standard braces. Poo.

Perhaps in two years dental technology will have improved to the point that it will be a simple job to straighten teeth. Then again, probably not. It costs a lot, and I'm sure orthodontists would not want to lose all that money.

Damned tooth. I'll just keep flossing around it like an insane person.

I have declared today to be 80's music day. I have a fairly decent CD player and a good set of headphones at work, to block out annoying coworkers and excessive office noise. Today I am listening to Erasure - Wonderland and after that I'll pop in Eurythmics - Greatest Hits.

I'm still having a hard time concentrating today. I think I should just close this off until I have something more significant to say.

Feeling introspective tonight. I find that I have a really weird sense of perception sometimes - I get so wrapped up in whatever I am currently embroiled in - most recently I've been borderline obsessed with work. The people, the work I'm doing, where I'm going in regards to the people at work, when I get there, when I leave, what I wear, even.

Yet now I'm sitting at my computer in my basement, in comfortable home-clothes, fleece pants, heather grey shirt stained with red oil paint, tattered plaid slippers, listening to music I've recorded onto my hard drive. My world at this moment is my chair, my music, and this little box that I'm typing these words into. Everything here seems so - significant, as if this is what and who I am.

I've put some playlists together to evoke a certain mood while I'm here tapping away, depending on what I'm trying to accomplish. Right now I'm listening to my 'Mellow I' playlist - a series of songs meant to make me feel introspective (see, it worked), a tad melancholy, and more than a bit like I'm missing something really big in my life. Where is that big picture that I'm looking for? What is it, anyway?

I'm typing and I realize that I may not even understand what this means later. I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm acutally fascinated at this moment at how I can watch the screen and my words appear as if by magic, my fingers just dance over the keys and know exactly what to push to put them here. I never did learn to type "properly" (Mavis Beacon would kick my ass if she knew) so it always amazes me that I can manage at all.

Introspective song from the early 90's: Matthew Sweet - Time Capsule

It feels as if all that really matters is my fingers flying, my music coming out of a halfway decent set of speakers, singing along to a song I haven't heard in literally years that's making me get that tight feeling in my chest like I'm about to cry.

I still remember all the words.

Ugh, I can't think straight. I should really go to bed, but I'm thinking that I might go take a bath.

Isn't that what life is all about, getting completely wrapped up in whatever we're doing? We feel the most alive when we are able to experience this complete immersion, when we feel it often from changing our situation. That's why we like to travel, to take risks, to try new things. To be immersed, to swim in new waters.

Some people don't like to change, or they are too afraid to enact a change in themselves. They become convinced without a doubt that what is encompassed in their sphere, that is all that exists in the world, all that matters.

Those are the ones that end up drowning.

I had another Brilliant Idea™. I was thinking in the car again, about jobs that I could do anywhere (with all of these thoughts about moving somewhere moderately inaccesible, one wonders how to support oneself). I thought of two things I could do that I think I would enjoy and I could do well: massage therapy and being a nutritionist.

I have a lot of interest in both fields, and the massage therapy thing can be done on any schedule. I had a friend in NYC who supported herself solely with her massage therapy job. She worked with an office for a while, but all of her sessions were in peoples' homes, and she would work out her own schedule with the client. She would work about 3 hours a day, 1-2 appointments on average, and then have the rest of the day to herself. She made a decent amount of money, too - in NYC you can charge a lot, I know she got $80 an hour and specialized in pregnant women (as opposed to pregnant men :).

I've written her an email to ask her about how she got into mt, and any advice she might have for me about getting started. I think this would be a good thing, I would never have to worry about making extra money, I could schedule appointments in wherever I had time whether I was already working a full-time job or not. Not to mention I'm already good at massage, taking a few years' training would be fun.

As for being a nutritionist, the one I see only works Wednesdays in the office where I see her - I'm not sure if she has other office days elsewhere. I know a lot about nutrition already, and would love to be able to help people be healthy and happy with themselves. My nutritionist is such an inspiration to me - though I don't really need to see her any more I still go in every eight weeks, simply because chatting with her gives me such a charge, I feel great after talking to her. I want to be in a position to make people feel that way, I want to help people. Nutrition is such an easy thing, people just don't realize it. I want to demystify it for them. I'm going to talk to Maura the next time I see her and ask her about how she became a nutritionist. She's the coolest.

So maybe these things won't be easy, and it'll cost some money, but it definitely bears looking into.

Funny how things happen. Michael and I were just finished having this whole discussion about our future, and our finances, and how we can't really afford to buy a house right now, at least in our area. We felt sort of defeated and a little trapped. How do we get out of being stuck in one place and do what we really want to do?

Then, of course, at nearly the same moment as we decide to let things be and go with the flow, Providence steps in and reminds us that yes, indeed, Fate does exist, and she has quite a hand in what goes on in our lives.

Or, you can't plan for everything.

I'm not sure how many people know about this blog any more - probably not many (1) since I just moved it and haven't given the URL out save one person - I won't go into details just yet, but needless to say Michael got a very interesting packet in the mail that brings the hope for some HUGE opportunity. There's no saying what may happen. He's thinking on it today and figuring out what he wants to do. I hope he goes for it even though I am scared at the same time, but if things work out our lives could go in a whole new direction.

Dreams don't seem all that far away, all of a sudden.

Got in to work super early today - around 6:30. That's a cool thing, when it happens. I drove Michael to the station this morning, it has its perks as I can leave work today at 5:15 and still have racked up over 10 hours for the day. Not too shabby. If only I could do that every day - ha - yeah, right.

Not feeling very inspired at all by work. That's a trend. It's disturbing. For about three or four months, now, it's been a real effort getting things done, and I'm not sure why. I should be much more productive than this, but the whole inter-personal relationship problem is just getting me down to the extent that I can hardly function. I'd like to think it was my fault, but there are a lot of people here who feel the same way. I wonder if they're just getting by as I feel I am sometimes.

Case and point - here I sit writing like there's no tomorrow, but I open up that article I'm writing on the WSS press conference and I draw a complete blank. I can't think of a thing to say. Writing comes so naturally to me, but only when I'm really interested in what I'm writing about. I keep trying to tell myself, "Just get through this piece, then it's over, it won't be hanging over your head," but still I can't get going. What the hell is wrong with me?

Talked to Michael last night about the whole house thing. We discussed the fact that even if we find a cheap enough house close to Stamford, the property taxes will be terrible. I asked him to consider that maybe now isn't the time to buy a house, because it's obvious that the only reason we're moving is because of his job, and the only reason we're considering buying a house is because it's cheaper than renting and an investment. However, if it's more of a hassle than it's worth and we know we don't want to end up living in CT forever (at least I don't), maybe we should just keep renting until the right path presents itself. He's really interested in those places in Maine I showed him, and I am, too. Some of them are SO cheap - they're in the middle of nowhere, but the mortgage payments would work out to be under $300 a month. That's incredible. We could almost up and move right now and still be able to manage.

This means that I need to get motoring on my writing career. The time is now. If I can establish myself, it will make things all the easier. Right now we have to plan on my being out of work while Michael supports us, which he's okay with, so I'm okay with it, too. But I don't want to have my only option be getting a job at the 7-Eleven to pay the bills and then getting stuck there. Okay, I doubt I'd really get stuck doing something like that, but I'd rather it not even have to be an option.

Man, am I scared.

I moved my writing blog over to this account, I figured I may as well keep them together. I'll put the link in the template somewhere.

That's all for now. I'm going to try (try) and push myself to get these two items done before 5pm.

This weekend Michael and I did a little preliminary house hunting. Boy, how depressing was that. I won't go into gory details except to say that the only stuff we could easily afford is in Bridgeport, in really shitty neighborhoods that I do not want to move to. Neither does he.

The nicer houses in towns that are a reasonable commute to Stamford are way out of our price range - $350k and up. Ugh. I think I could deal with living in CT if I had a place to live that I liked, but I don't know if that's going to happen. I sure as heck do not want to and up living in a shithole "just temporarily," especially one that we've purchased and are now stuck with.

I started looking in Maine for the same price range and found scads of beautiful places (well, at least beautiful-looking by the photographs on the website). I really wish we could move to Maine, though most of the places I found that I liked and were priced well were sort of out of the way in Rockland or Jackson, not exactly the epicenter of the Down East. If Michael wanted to continue working in database development he'd likely get a job in Portland, and those places just aren't close enough.

I think we need to do some talking about our real goals, here. My goal - to either not have to work, to be able to work from home, or to own my own business close to where I live. That would allow me to set my own hours and have the majority of my time to have a life, or at least try to have a life. I would be perfectly content with buying a house in the middle of nowhere and trying to launch my freelance writing career. Man, does that scare the hell out of me, but I would be happy with that. I'd like to think that Michael would be happy having a house somewhere nice where he could paint all the live-long day. But we need to talk about requirements like friends, family, closeness to civilization, and any other goals we have.

I'd be perfectly happy trying to get a $400k home loan to stay in CT if things seemed concrete, but they don't. I don't think database crap is what Michael really wants to do with his life, but he's still at this stage where he's focused on the whole "career" bent...me, I feel that I've gotten past that and I realize freedom to do what I want and when I want is my biggest goal, not how much money I can make or how many years I can log at a particular occupation. Maybe it's just me, but I'd be okay with working at a crap job to pay off a house so I can have the environment I want.

Ugh, it's all so uncertain. I'd love to have a house far out in the sticks and it's within our reach, but once we're there would be be able to support it?

There is the option of us finding a house (I found a nice one for $70k, imagine that) and renting a really cheap apartment here in CT. I move up to Maine with the animals and start working on my writing career and opening up that bookstore cafe (provided, of course, that Joy would be willing to move to Maine as well - probably more stick-y than where she's from, and I don't know how she feels about that) while Michael keeps working to pay for the house and work down our debts. Or we both stay here in CT while we pay for the house. Only problem with that is finding a place for the animals as we'd likely have to rent a REALLY cheap place to make it worthwhile.

Sigh. I don't know. I think we may be better off just renting for another year or two while socking away at our debt and our investments, then looking for a house once we have a better leg to stand on. Hopefully the tech market will have revived by then and we'll be able to get telecommuting jobs, then all of this would be a moot point. I'd be all into paying $100 a month for satellite internet and cable to be able to work from Middle of Nowhere, Maine.

It's just so tempting to buy a house up there because they ARE so cheap. Well, I guess I'll talk to him tonight. I'd love to live close to Portland but the nicest places I've seen (and the cheapest) are a piece away. There was one place in Auburn, now wouldn't that be ironic if I ended up back in my hometown? I think I know the place, though, looking at the photo - it's a REALLY nice place. I could get my parents to pet-sit if we wanted to go away. Auburn's only about 30 minutes from Portland, and has a decentish community. They are desperately in need of a bookstore cafe there.

Happy Schmoo Year

Boy, am I a slacker. I haven't even thought about blogger in forever. Quick Update: Things are well. Michael is still in love with his job (though not the commute), we're sort of looking for a house, I'm doing more writing at work (with hopes to move to another department soon), I've started going to kickboxing again.

We've been working on spending as little money as possible lately, which means I had to shut down blackmarketchinchillas.com. It's no big deal, I highly doubt that anyone is going to snatch that domain name any time soon, and it's $15 a month I don't have to worry about.

I've been doing a lot of work to get rid of extraneous stuff. Most recently I've been going through my drawers and closet to get rid of clothes I'm never going to wear again. It's hard! I find something and talk myself into keeping it. I've managed to get a decent pile of stuff together to get rid of, though. It's weird, I have these bursts of energy where I can really motor and get all sorts of stuff done, then a whole week will go by where I don't do a damned thing. I hate it when I do that (or don't do that, as the case may be).

One really exciting thing which I will talk about here (the only other person that I know with the URL here is the person in question anyway). Joy and I have been tossing around the idea of opening a bookstore/cafe here in CT somewhere. I can't understand for the life of me why she and her husband would want to move to CT. Of course, I'm stuck here for the time being as Michael is really happy with his job, so the fact that they are seriously considering coming out here so she and I can formulate our little plan is just an amazing stroke of good fortune for me. Me, I'd up and move anywhere at the drop of a hat, but Michael is more cautious than that and would be loathe to leave his job. Sigh. We Virgoes are too worried sometimes.

Anyway! Joy and I had talked about this idea on and off saying, "If you ever want a partner, count me in," and I wondered if it would ever happen. I'm too scared to go into business for myself, and I wasn't sure how the two of us were ever going to connect if we were serious about it. However, I still firmly believe in keeping things in the front of one's mind to bring it ever closer to reality, so I kept thinking about it. Then the day came when Joy told me about her husband's thought of moving to CT, and the whole concept became distinctly more real at that moment.

We haven't made any concrete plans as yet, we need to talk on the phone to exchange ideas and discuss a business plan. It's all very exciting, and I am ready to put my heart and soul into this venture because I want to make it work. Besides, Joy and I have SO much in common that it seems too coincidental to pass up. It's uncanny how much we think alike, how similar our personalities are, our preferences, every time I talk to her on messenger or read an entry she writes I'm struck by how much we have in common.

I have to admit that part of my excitement also stems from the potential of having a good friend again, someone I can pal around with.

God, I miss Jenn so much and when we do see one another it's so much fun, but she lives in MA and somehow our lives are just too busy to see one another more than once a year. I hate that.

Terry is a good friend, I love spending time with her, but she also has a tendency to get wrapped up in activities she likes at the expense of me. Not that she has any obligation to me, of course, but it's tough nonetheless. All I want sometimes is a friend to come over to my house (or me to theirs) and sit around the kitchen table drinking tea and playing cards, or talking, or listening to music. Someone I can have over for dinner. Terry's not like that. She is very activity oriented, she has to be out doing something. She's really into contra dancing and I think that's great, I really enjoy it too, but I think she goes because she gets all sorts of attention from older men. Vastly older men. I don't approve of her desire to only date (or sleep with) men over 45, I think there's some definite stuff she should talk to someone about. She lost her dad at a young age so it's very obviously the whole father-figure desire going on. It's just weird. The fact that she's had affairs with two married men, men with kids, well...I really disapprove of that and I did my best to be supportive of her having her heart broken though it was obvious it was inevitable. Anyway. Terry just seems to have more going on in her life than I fit easily into, sometimes.

When I first met her we spent all sorts of time together and we got along on so many levels - even now when we hang out it's an easy, fun friendship. We talk about all sorts of things. But it seems a lot of the time if it's not something she's interested in doing, she flakes out. If I go along with whatever she wants to do, she's completely happy. I usually have a pretty good time anyway, but lately with my trying to spend no extraneous money I haven't been able to go out as much and she gets so annoyed with me. She won't say anything outright, but I can hear it in her voice.

I don't know what to do. I think sometimes that I'd like to just tell her that I love spending time with her (I do) but that I'd like entertain at home more often. I envisioned that being friends with her and living in the same town we'd spend nights at each others' houses, sleep in the tent in my back yard, make dinner together, things like that. We've done that a little bit, but not much at all. I need that kitchen table friend. Maybe that sounds stupid, but it's what I want. Someone who can stop by on a summer evening and just enjoy sitting in the back yard at my rickety picnic table drinking iced tea and throwing pine cones around for my dog. Hanging out for the evening to watch movies and eat popcorn, or maybe to play Scrabble.

Then again, I don't even know if Joy is that kind of person either, but I get a strong feeling she is. Terry always has to be going somewhere. Maybe I just need to work harder at our friendship. Maybe I should just come clean and be honest with her. I've already told her that I want to spend time with her but I can't afford to do things out right now, and she was understanding of that. I don't think she understands that I don't always like being on the go, though. But we do always have fun.

I hate it when things should be good but they just don't feel right.

So, yeah. I have a lot of hope for Joy coming to CT, for our idea, for our dreams becoming reality, for the potential she holds in my eyes. I just hope she doesn't think I'm crazy.

Speaking of crazy, she and I got talking about Wendy the other day. I hadn't really thought about her in a month or so. I was really pissed at how she turned on me, but I think I forgive her now. She's got some serious issues, and I wanted to be there to help her as I can understand a lot of what she's going through. But she's just too paranoid, she'll never be able to be happy if she can't shake her demons. I can't be part of that, I know now. It makes me sad but I can't do anything about it.

Am I just a shitty friend?