Well, I haven't talked to John yet. However, he did send me back a nice "If we can't hook up at the office, call me at home or my cell." message, and then later that day a message with a winky face on it ;) and a joke. I guess that's a good sign that at least he's not pissed at me.

I'm going to try to talk to him tomorrow, though I'm not really sure what I should say. I want to rail and rant about how terrible I think Adam is as a manager, that he and Nick made Michael miserable and that's why he quit. That Michael then tried to get his job back (putting aside his own personal pride to do so) and though John and Ben were both very keen on the idea, Adam nixed it saying that he "knows what's best for the company." I can't help feeling that Adam hates Michael and so I can't really expect his treatment of me to be much better. Ugh, I just don't know.

It makes me the maddest that Adam sees me working 60-65 hours a week, and the guy knows I'm killing myself. But he won't let Michael work here, though we need him direly. We need at least two database people, one to work in Michael's old position, and a web database person (the job we were trying to get Michael into, as he wouldn't have to work directly with Adam any more). The guy knows that Michael can't find a job, and that if he can't, we're going to have to move. It's as simple as that. So, in a roundabout way, I feel as if Adam is trying to force me out of the company. I don't like it at all. Adam, I think, is pissed that Michael blew the whistle when he quit, telling John in detail about the terrible job he's doing and the way he and Nick treated Michael so poorly. Instead of being able to act like an adult and put personal differences aside (maybe even work to resolve them?), Adam would rather just keep Michael out completely.

How is that supposed to make me feel? I don't feel comfortable going to the company Christmas party, now - Adam doesn't want Michael here, I hardly feel welcome to bring him to the Christmas party. I won't go without him, so it looks like I won't be going. I know John is going to ask me why I didn't go, and I don't relish dealing with that at all. John is very devoted to his company functions.

Maybe I'll just tell John tomorrow that Michael is unable to find a job and at this time we have no choice but to move out of state. I'll tell him that I really, really love my job, and don't want to leave the company at all, but I just can't afford to rent in Connecticut any more. It's too expensive, and there are no local job prospects in sight. I guess I hope in the process that it comes around to discussing that it's Adam's doing that caused me to have to leave, and I'm sure it will. I am really at a loss. The only thing I can think of to do right now is move to Pennsylvania, find a cheap place to live, and try to secure employment there.

I hope he understands. I think he will. I fear he won't.

I don't know what I expect. I hope that John hires Michael back and tells Adam to lump it. Or, maybe John will give me a raise so I don't have to kill myself to pay the bills and Michael can keep looking for a job. Or, maybe John will let me work remotely from Pennsylvania, or wherever we end up.

I have a feeling that in a month or so, I'll be moving to Pennsylvania without a job.

Damn damn damn.

This has been a pretty productive day. I'm glad. I've had far too many uninspired days.

Perhaps it's because we're finally starting to put things in motion. Just a little teeny bit. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a huge precipice and there's a giant boulder in front of me, teetering on the edge, and I'm poking the boulder with just the slightest nudge. I have this feeling that while the boulder is falling it will be scary to watch, when it hits it may be destructive, but in the end it'll break open and lots of butterflies will emerge in a cloud and wing into the clear blue sky.

My life is like a giant metaphor right now.

(There's a joke in that last sentence - get it?)

I also feel sort of giddy and nervous, because I've decided to tell my boss about everything that's been going on that is making me so unhappy. It might be a really good thing, then again, it might be a really terrible thing. Either way, I have my exit route planned out, so even if the feces hits the fan in a major way, all I need to do is stick it out and hope for the best until we move. Best case scenario, we work something out where Michael and I stay in CT, Michael works here again, or maybe I work remotely from PA, or something. I don't know. I'm going to put it all in John's lap and let him call the shots. I figure it's the fair thing to do, to at least let him know what's going on with me instead of bailing without any explanation.

I feel as if I am writing so confidently about this, but I feel like a mess. I need to let go and just let things be, and do my best to remember what will make me happiest.

The latest news - Michael and I are going to establish "home base". He hasn't had any luck finding a job, what with the way the tech market is nowadays (crappy), especially in our area of CT (crappier). After some thought and some talking about it, this most recent scheme seems to be the most viable option.

We're moving to the Poconos, a lovely mountainous area near the Delaware Water Gap in Pennsylvania. This is exciting for a few reasons - the first being that we have a number of friends in the area, both male and female, which will be nice as we'll both have folks to hang with of the same sex. Currently we have a lot of male friends - mind you, these gentlemen are friends to both of us, but I have to admit that I like to have a healthy dose of estrogen around once in a while. The Poconos is also a really beautiful place, plenty of hiking and camping and natural parks abound. Lastly, it is close enough to parts of NJ and NYC that it's actually a viable option to gain employment there, once the industry recovers.

The best thing of all is that the cost of living there is much lower than CT, and drastically so than NYC. Our grand plan is to find a very inexpensive home (under $80k) so that after all is said and done, our monthly mortgage payments will be less than $400 a month. I figure at that rate, we could both be working part-time at K-Mart and still be able to survive. Of course, that is worst-case scenario.

What that means is Michael and I would have our lives back. Free time and all the good things that go with it. Without having to work a ton of hours like I am currently, I should be able to work part-time and maybe even pursue my writing or photography, or who the heck knows what. Michael will be able to paint. My dream is to find some sustainable form of self-employment, so that I may choose my own hours and have the days to myself that I currently am missing.

Today I went outside to my car and it was a perfect Autumn day...it kills me to have to sit at a desk in a room without windows while just a few feet away is sunshine and orange leaves to crunch beneath my feet. Autumn is my favorite season of them all, and I am a slave to my employer. I can't stand it any longer.

I'm holding out hope that once Michael finds a place and I'm ready to join him, I'll be able to retain my current job and work remotely. I'm sure there are a number of things I could do from afar, but it will all depend on how open to the idea the Powers That Be here will be about it. Needless to say, I don't hold out a lot of hope. Here's keeping my fingers crossed.

Establishing Home Base will allow us to do a lot of things - if we are doing well financially, we can pay off the little home in no time and have a virtually (virtual as I know there are taxes, maintenance, and all those goodies to pay eternally) free place to lay our heads. We can then start exploring the world, taking forays from our nest to see the world. Maybe I can finally go back to school, we can take trips to Europe and Japan and the rest of the US, we can create and love and laugh all we want and have no one to answer to but ourselves.

I have been addicted to lip balm lately.

Over the weekend I got pretty windburned and my lips ended up chapped, as I was outside most of the time and it was bitterly cold. I forgot my customary four tubes of lip balm (being so anal retentive I'm always worried that I'm never going to have one with me when I need it) by some cosmic fluke and so was forced to acquire more at the CVS in Tannersville, PA.

My favorite balm of the moment is Blistex Complete Moisture, "a surge of moisture for your lips". I always envision my lips exploding and water gushing out, but fortuntately the product is not quite that true to advertising. It does, however, do a nice job in keeping my lips soft and covered in goo, and it doesn't taste like wax. In fact, it doesn't taste half bad.

What a dumb thing to write about, but at this point, that's about as exciting as my life gets.